Back Story: Ballpoint & Boredom by Eirik Gumeny
Like a lot of writers, a large number of my stories are based on real life. Unlike a lot of writers, real life sometimes entails the voice of a grizzled old man telling me what I should be doing myself.
“Ballpoint & Boredom” was based on a real job, a real girl, and a very real fear of rejection. It was also based on a real pep talk given to me by a real voice inside my head.
For what it’s worth, I’m referring to something more akin to a conscience than an actual schizophrenic hallucination. Although, for what that’s worth, I never did bother to get tested.
To this day I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard the voice in real life—and, if not, why my subconscious chose the dialect it did—but I really and truly heard it telling me to get off my ass and go after the girl. On a fairly regular basis.
The girl was a friend of mine and we talked occasionally, and being younger, shyer, and male... er, that was enough to convince me that we had a shot at a real relationship. The voice seconded that assumption. He also hinted that, in order to facilitate that, I should, you know, actually ask the girl out. As with most advice I give to myself, though, I ignored it.
Instead, I sat in my cubicle answering the phone, staring out the window, doodling dragons on scratch paper, and staring at the girl as she walked by. It was a short jump from there to a full-on daydream, most of which entailed winning the girl over in a spectacular fashion, the two of us then going on to live happily ever after.
The voice insulted me the entire time.
At some point in my ongoing cowardice and boredom, I found myself absent-mindedly writing down the voice’s assertions that I grow a pair. At some point after that, as I scribbled down some customer’s order number, I saw the words, written right above the pen-sketched dragons of even earlier, and realized I might have something. I’m fairly certain I began the story on a napkin that very afternoon.
As far as the girl goes, I did eventually listen to the voice and ask her out. Turns out my subconscious isn’t much smarter than my regular one.
The relationship was nothing but disaster, a year of my life spent confused and angry, serving only to inspire a significant number of tales of heartbreak and woe.
Which, for a writer, probably isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Eirik Gumeny is the author of the novel Exponential Apocalypse and the editor of Jersey Devil Press. His short fiction has appeared in Thieves Jargon, Mud Luscious, and Monkeybicycle, among others. More information and a full list of his published works can be found at egumeny. His story “Ballpoint & Boredom” was published in the winter 2011 issue of Rose & Thorn Journal.
Reading about the process behind the story is fascinating. Thanks so much for sharing. Really enjoyed this.
Reply to this
Love this insight into how the story came about! . . . and laughing, too - laughing at your misfortune-dang, that sounds weird but well - there it is!
Reply to this
if you're novels are anything like your post, i gotta read. genius, hysterical genius.
Reply to this
What a great new feature!
Loved the piece you're referring to, Eirik, and this story behind it adds relatable depth. I think it's when we're most open and vulnerable to real corners of our personal lives that the best writingcomes out.
Reply to this
Thanks, everyone! I'm glad you enjoyed both the story and the story behind the story. It'scomforting to know that potentially undiagnosed mental illnesses are good for something.
Reply to this
It's the crazy voices in the writer/poet's head, Eirik. Just ignore them. They won't go away...but at least they'll diminish after a bit. (Or at least that's the theory.)
Reply to this